Where I compete with myself for some unknown title

So, in an effort to always have a million projects going on at once (2 aprons cut out and one in the planning and of course the cleaning)--because when you're busy it's easy to ignore problems--I am making my sons 2nd b-day a way bigger deal than it should be.  I realized this today.  Instead of paying attention to him, playing with him, taking him to music lessons (anything constructive), I spent the morning working on a stupid (but albeit very cute) banner for his b-day (I will post all kinds of pictures later).  I was sitting outside working on it (b/c I felt sorry for the first 2 hours inside while he watched tv) watching him play when this epiphany hit me--he could care less.  My response?  Crazy I know, but I made it cuter (hours later).  I have problems.  An innate need to be perfect at something I guess.  It has to have something to do w/deep seeded need for control.  I obviously am competing against someone for the mom of the year award.  But newsflash to me---C thinks I'm the best mom no matter how crappy I am b/c I'm the only thing he knows.  This makes me feel glad and bad all at once.  Will C care that his second b-day is decorated to the ultimate in cuteness, that we have fun activities, grab bags, and awesome food.  The answer is a big fat NO.  He barely understands what a b-day is.  Underneath it all I suspect that this is my attempt to prove something about myself.  But this strive for perfection just shows me how imperfect and well...terrible I am at lots of things. 

I've liked created this silly role for myself as the perfect party planner, hostess, foodie extraordinare.  I don't know how I did it, but now I feel like I have so much to live up to.  I think it's b/c I'm overly critical, so I have to show that I can do things better or at least equally well. 

This has to be related to some collective consciousness of the 50's housewife (See article at bottom of post) and my interest w/Regency England (manners and social graces).  I really don't know where I get it.  My mom is not like this at all, and really neither is my grandma or aunt.  If everyone's fed and welcome things are a success. I wish I could be more like this.  I lack for sure in the welcoming part, so I busy myself in the doing.  I'm definitely more of a Martha than a Mary.  I was scrubbing my oven thinking about all of these crazy things, and I really think someone should (probably already has) write a book about all the things we expect of ourselves as women, yet no one ever told us we should do them.  Like have a spotless house, be a perfect hostess, an excellent cook. 

Wow, thanks for sticking through a really long confession. 

But all this makes me think how much God loves me.  Despite all my craziness and things I can't control and my attempts to control.  He wants so much more for me than my petty desires.  Now if I can only remember this for more than 10 seconds.  Or until I see more ric rac. 


Here's the article that I read while teaching US Studies.  It really speaks to me.  Some of it seems ridiculous (women's lib and all), but sometimes I think we are more confined than ever b/c we are supposed to be perfect in and out of the home. 



The Good Housewife (courtesy of the University of Colorado)


The following is excerpted from an actual 1950's high school Home Economics textbook:





ADVANCE: How to be a Good Wife

HAVE DINNER READY: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal--on time. This is a way to let him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned with his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home, and having a good meal ready is part of the warm welcome that is needed.





PREPARE YOURSELF: Take fifteen minutes to rest so that you will be refreshed when he arrives. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift. Greet him with a smile.





CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER: Make one last trip though the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up children's books and toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you lift too.





PREPARE THE CHILDREN: If they are small, wash their hands and faces and comb their hair. They are his little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.





MINIMIZE ALL NOISE: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise from the washer, dryer, or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.





SOME "DO NOT'S": Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem compared to what he might have gone through that day.





MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE: Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest that he lie down in the bedroom. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.





LISTEN TO HIM: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.





MAKE THE EVENING HIS: Never complain if he doesn't take you to dinner or to other entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his need to unwind and relax.





THE GOAL: TO MAKE YOUR HOME A PLACE OF PEACE AND ORDER WHERE YOUR HUSBAND CAN RELAX IN BODY AND SPIRIT.