Struggling

A little bit of honesty and whining. I don't think many people read this blog anymore, so it feels a bit more like a diary.

Note--to my friends in St. Louis--this is no dig against any of you.  Just an outpouring of how I am feeling right now.  I really am thankful for you all.  Just wish we could be closer.

Since moving back to St. Louis I have struggled finding friends.  I have some friends from before, and I really and truly enjoy them.  I just haven't found my niche.  I tried MOPS, I have been doing our church's Bible Study for women-3 semesters of it, I joined a Moms' group-that disbanded, and I've helped at C's preschool, and I belong to a reading group. I have met friends in my reading group, but apart from them-who I only see at those meetings, I have made ZERO new friends.  I certainly have friends that I could count on to help in a pinch or that would be there to support us, but not the type of close friendships I desire.  It is very discouraging and feels very lonely.  I think it is hardest b/c I left our last location with A LOT of friends, and a real sense of where I fit in our community.  Living in St. Louis is hard b/c everyone is spread out--the main reason I think my discussion group hasn't produced deep friendship--it is geographically impossible to just get together at the spur of the moment.  Everything has to be planned out so much b/c babysitters are harder to secure and we are not close in distance.  I don't mean to discount the friendships I do have here at all b/c I am thankful to have met the new ones and rekindled the old, but frankly we don't see much of each other.   It is the same for Scott, but I don't think it bothers him b/c he socializes as a part of his job.  Me, I talk to a 4 year old and a baby all day. People are so busy.  I am busy.  It just seems so hard.   We have 4 couples that we see somewhat regularly--like do something 3-4 times a year.  Thankfully two of the couples go to our church and live close, so we do see see them more regularly at church. I feel this impacts Colin as well.  He has not developed friendships either.  He enjoys playing with the kids of my few friends, but he doesn't see them much.  We asked him if he had anyone he wanted to invite to his bday party, and he only named family.  This is sad to me--maybe it is just his age or personality, but I am sad he doesn't think he has friends.  It felt a lot like this the last time we lived here and in Columbia.  Maybe I just miss my friends.  I long for that 1 or 2 or 3 really close friends that you see regularly.  That you see something out, so you just have to call/text them about it.  I know that type of relationship takes time and patience, but it is hard to see that type forming here b/c people are so established in their commitments or friendships with others already.  We have been back a year, and I'm not sure how to move forward.  How much more do I keep trying?  It is hard with a baby to have that ability to go and spend the time with someone necessary to create that type of friendship.

So in summary, I feel very lonely here.  It is very nice to be closer to family--that is a huge blessing and upside, but I miss my peeps from Bloomington/Normal. Maybe it just isn't the season in our lives to have friendships like that.  Maybe it is a time for focusing more on our family.  Not really sure.